Saturday, January 13, 2007
I can't sign in to messenger and it's already eleven plus now. I really need to get so many things off my chest, but it's difficult to find someone to tell it all to. I've probably lamented to about almost ten people this week and I don't think I should trouble others further. I mean, everyone has their own problems! SO, once again I'm back to blogging just so that I can complain and ramble.
The more time passes, the more I've come to realise how much things have changed. How hostile you've become, how you've been avoiding certain issues, how you've been avoiding me I guess. I really wonder how things have gotten to this stage. Is it my fault? Or is that just that you've moved on. BUT what I'm most disappointed with, is that you're not telling me anything. Just tell me what you have to, hurt me and leave me alone. At least it won't prolong my suffering any further. You probably think that by not telling me anything I won't realise it. HOW NAIVE CAN YOU GET? I've felt it ever since the beginning and I know thing's aren't right now. It really feels like I'm the only dumb one holding on now. Like I'm the only one involved. You've stopped caring, so stop trying to act like you still do. THERE'S A VERY STARK DIFFERENCE, that even a baby can tell the difference. I'm just glad, glad that I didn't go to RJ for your sake. Glad that I'm happy in RJ and that it has nothing to do with you. Glad that I don't regret going there at all.
The stupid blinking thing now is that, on top of losing someone really special to me, I'm losing my best friend too. The person that I could always tell everything to, without having to worry that you'll judge me. And it's plain dumb that I remember everything single word that you've told me, everything little thing you did that made me smile when instead it makes me cringe inside now when I think about it. And I know that now when everything's over I'll hate it, because I'll still feel like I need to tell you my problems, like I've done for the past year that I've known you. It's so ironic that the person who used to tell me that you want to make me the happiest person in the world, happens to be the one who ruins all my would've been perfect days this whole week.
Josh is right, all I want to do now is to ask you one extremely simple question: WHY. If you told me that you've moved on, I'll accept it understandingly. That I promise. But now that you're not telling me anything, you've got me guessing and everything that comes to mind now isn't exactly the most beautiful thoughts. SO JUST END MY MISERY NOW, before guilt becomes too overpowering for you everytime I tell you that I miss you. I wish that I can take this headstrong, but hurt and anger prevents me from doing so now. Why does it seem like I'm such a dumb fool? Everytime I wanna tell you that I need to talk to you, you just seem so carefree and it makes me soft hearted all over again. I've got to form my resolve.
IF ONLY. IF ONLY, we had remained as friends, if only you hadn't said a thing. IF ONLY...I hadn't gone away. Would that have made a difference? Maybe you should just cheat on me and make things a lot easier for me to hate you, for me to put an end to everything. I'm caught in a dilemma, cause I'm not sure if I'm over reacting. It would then be a waste to end it, yet I'm convinced that you're keeping your lips sealed about this whole thing. Perhaps you're ashamed? What else would I expect from someone who doesn't even talk to me in school and claims to be too busy to talk to me. WHAT A LAME EXCUSE, I SAY. Be brave and admit it like a man. Or it might just seem that you're the one at fault here and that your conscience is bugging you. You told me that you'll never lie to me. I'd just like to know how many times you've lied to me recently, just for the record. Just to tell you for use in the future, don't promise when you're not sure if you can keep it. Stop breaking people's hearts with your sweet words that mean nothing in the end.
I whispered
at 11:27 PM
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